i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
