If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
