i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
