So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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