McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
