someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
