I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize