Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
