Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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