You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My ass is underappreciated
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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