Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
