I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
