your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
