ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
