Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
