I didn't shave. On purpose
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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