I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
