I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
