She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize