You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
