if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
People in love make me want to vomit
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
How's work?
Spinning.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
