Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
