a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
