can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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