If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
