Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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