My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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