Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
