The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
