I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
