I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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