I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
