why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
