You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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