Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
