i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
