my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
