Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
