Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
