Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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