and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
