plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Your cock deserves a montage
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
