I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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