Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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