When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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