Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
