I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
