After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
