So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
