What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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