I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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