Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Randomize
