Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
