I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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