Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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