you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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