My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
