Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
