I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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