so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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