I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize