Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
