I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
