I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
